T minus 19 days until my wedding day – August 27!
Today I want to confess a recent bout of bridal silliness, and testify to how I regained my sanity.
Around mid-July, with about six weeks to go, I started spending far too much time thinking about how a good 50 people would be staring at me for hours on my wedding day, and I went into a bit of a panic. Oh, the shame I have in recalling it: yes, I really resorted to picking up a few of those women’s health magazines (Women’s Health, Shape, Health, etc.) and studying their cruel, overly restricted diet plans based on shaky unscientific conjectures. Bridal bootcamp! Lose 10 pounds in a month! The bridal diet! I was seduced.
The strange thing is that once you start flipping through those glossy photos populated with cellulite-free 18 year old fitness models, the (pseudo-)logic starts to eat away at your sanity and you really start to think that it’s reasonable to jump around in circles and eat lean turkey until your thighs disappear. According to the prevailing wisdom of such magazines – and skinny bride princess Kate Middleton – one should really try to reduce, reduce, reduce before one’s wedding day.
So I started a bridal diet: lots of lean protein and steamed broccoli in miniature portions. You probably know the drill. You’ve probably given it a try and failed, too. As a vegan, it wasn’t exactly going to be easy to eat a high protein diet, but I did my best: I ate soy products and veggie protein bars, lots of veggies, fruits in smaller than usual quantities, and a satisfying serving of approximately two grains of rice per meal.
The diet results can be summarized as follows:
Day 1: vaguely hungry and optimistic. Weight recorded. exercised.
Day 2: increasingly hungry and increasingly determined. one half pound gained since yesterday: total disbelief. exercised.
Day 3: ate almost nothing. feelings of lightheadedness strangely empowering. weight stagnant. exercised.
Day 4: hunger is a fact of life. drinking a lot of water and eating 5-6 carrots per day as distraction. exercised.
Day 5: hunger not abating. experience difficulty walking up a flight of stairs. exercised anyway. almost died.
Day 6: Mysteriously, I have retained an extra four pounds of water and slosh through the day like an overfilled water balloon. Plop down on the bed and hear audible sloshing sounds. Google “fad diet sudden water weight someone please deflate me”. Surprisingly few results.
Day 7: Ran 8 miles followed by an hour of power yoga from a Jillian Michaels DVD (she is the antichrist). Resulting hunger pains… attempt to distract myself with carrot sticks… huuungry…. no.willpower.remaining…. finally fall prey to a wild, unrestrained carb binge involving no less than three bowls of fruit with coconut flakes and… chocolate sauce. Yes, chocolate sauce.
Day 8: trapped body water evaporated or otherwise released in discrete and ladylike way. irrational diet abandoned.
Day 9+: return to active lifestyle and healthy, well-balanced vegan diet with plenty of calories and a relatively high proportion of healthy carbs from whole grains, chickpeas and fruit.
The end! Tomorrow’s post: the only positive thing I kept from my bridezilla diet: a 30 day yoga challenge (sans Jillian Michaels)!